I Never Wanted To Be A "SAHM"

It's true... I never planned on being a stay at home mom when I thought about my future at the age of 17. I mean of course I wanted kids someday and I wanted to be there for them and love them in every way I possibly could and I wasn't super keen on the idea of day care. I guess I just assumed, I'd get married.. we'd have fun and travel for a few years.. find awesome jobs and start careers... have a couple kids.. and have a nanny? I guess? 

I have honestly never been a "kid" person.. I never liked babysitting, I didn't goo over cute babies at the store, and I honestly just didn't know if I even had what it takes to be a mom. I knew I wanted my own kids someday (at most 3) but I still couldn't ever picture myself being a mom or picture what the mom life would even look like for me.  

 Yeah.. well it turned out that at 20, I fell head over heels for a guy in just a few months, got engaged, got married a few months later and was pregnant a few months after that! So things went fairly quickly you could say! Even while I was pregnant, I still didn't love the idea of being a stay at home mom but I knew we couldn't afford childcare. I just thought.. what the heck am I supposed to do with a baby all day?! When will I be able to talk to other adults? Will I ever have "me time" again?! But then after spending a week or two with that perfect little girl, I just couldn't imagine NOT being with her all the time and possibly missing even the littlest sneeze! 

 It's funny because the first couple months, I didn't miss working one bit. It was nice to stay in comfy clothes, not set an alarm, catch up on my TV shows and snuggle a cute baby all day.. sounds amazing right? Well yeah.. but then there's the constant poopy diapers, the spit up (oh how I despise spit up) the waking up all hours at night, the stress and discomfort of nursing, the house cleaning.. after the "honeymoon" phase was over... Somedays I just straight up hated being a SAHM.

I started to be jealous of my husband being able to "escape" each day and me putting this dumb pressure on myself to have everything perfect for him when he was home. That the house was clean, dinner was prepared, and I looked decent. Of course HE didn't expect these things, but I convinced myself they were necessary and it was hard to keep it up. After a few months, I got a part time job at a furniture store where I was able to help stage decor, help clients with their visions, and window shop haha I really enjoyed it! It was short lived though because my husband's freelance video business was taking off and I needed to be home for last minute gigs and weekend weddings. 

I started to feel very bored and lost in motherhood again.. until I stumbled upon a curious company on Instagram. It was an app for buying and reselling children's clothes which intrigued me because I've always loved thrifting and I hate paying a ton of money for brand new kids clothes that will only be worn a couple months and/or ruined! So I signed up and started shopping the crap out of that app!! Hahaha poor Dustin... But hey I was finding adorable stuff for amazing prices! Then I thought, heck why don't I try and sell my daughter's stuff to have more money to shop?? So I did! Turns out, I was really good at it and it was a lot of fun and I met so many amazing moms that became lasting friends! It was a fun and proftiable hobby for me that also gave me a social outlet! For almost 2 years, all of my daughter's clothes were basically free (from my selling money) but I also made some extra that I used for fun family things (like a weekend trip to Cali once!) But I guess all good things end.. the company was sold unexpectedly and it was basically over. 

I was honestly surprisingly upset about that coming to an end but it was time to move on! I had been slowing down with that anyway as we had announced we were expecting again at that same time! I was so excited for our second child but felt even more inadequate then ever! I felt like I had finally figured out my 3 year old and now we were shaking everything up! Towards the middle of my pregnancy, I started to feel very depressed. I felt like I was only half there, like I was floating through the motions of the everyday, I felt like I was always moody and snappy with my daughter. I felt like I didn't want this baby to come yet, I felt like I didn't want to be a mom anymore, I felt like I didn't know WHO THE HELL I WAS. And Dustin was busier than ever with work which left me alone quite often and made it even harder somedays. My greatest fears and insecurities about being a mom, especially a stay at home mom were bursting out of me and it was suffocating. 

I started to think of things I could be good at, something I could spend time on. I started to look into work from home jobs, crafting ideas, mom groups, just anything to get my soul sparked again and to give me life outside of motherhood. The LAST thing I wanted was to resent being a sahm or to have someone else spend all day with my children and I also did not accept that I would just be a depressed, lonely mom with no life outside of her kids. I don't normally believe in fate but right at the peak of all this, my favorite makeup company announced an artist program. I thought it was just a hiring opportunity for makeup artists but nope, it was a direct sales launch. I was immediately interested but then immediately had the thought "OH HELL NO HOLLY.. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE A DIRECT SALES STAY AT HOME MOM IN UTAH!!" I had that knee jerk reaction that I've always had towards direct sales but somehow I pushed it aside and signed up on DAY ONE. So great.. now I was one of "those" moms.. but guess what? Almost immediately I wasn't depressed anymore. I got that spark that I needed, I got that push to wake up in the morning and talk to people. I fell in love with this brand all over again and started to confidently share photos of myself and show more of my personality. I found the exact thing I needed outside of being a mom. I found something for ME.

It's been an adjustment juggling mom life and trying to build and maintain a business and I still don't have it figured out but I haven't regretted it a single moment. I feel like I have the best of both worlds and I now know that I don't have to choose between just being a sahm or being myself with a business and passion. I can do both and I NEED both. Being here with my kids is exactly what I need to be doing and I wouldn't want it any different. But having my own life, my own hobbies, and my own self identity is also something I absolutely need too! Some days still suck and mom life is freaking hard but I finally have a love and respect for being a SAHM and I'm glad I ended up here.

  ><Holly><