Before I even begin this, I have to say that this isn’t a pity party or that I’m being dramatic. It’s the honest truth of how I feel and so I thought it was worth sharing in case you find yourself feeling this way as well. And hopefully you can find comfort in some shared experience and realizations while also gaining some inspiration on how to make some positive changes in your parenting for both you and your child(ren).

It's no secret we all carry trauma, whether it has yet to come to your realization or whether you've “faced” it. It will always be a part of us. I think the thing we don't realize is how much some of our trauma affects the decisions we make in our daily lives. For me, it was a realization that I was being a “ bad” mom because my unresolved trauma was leading the way, rather than my healthy self. As a child, I quickly matured and took on a lot of heavy things. I have a lot of resentment and hurt from my childhood. I used to think my perfectionism and fear of the unknown, maturity, and strong empathy were all just my personality. And yes, I think bits of it is “nature” but they have a lot to do with trauma response as well.

After months of self reflecting and healing, I started to see how these trauma responses were sprouting up in my mothering. The constant need for control, the short temper, difficulty letting loose/having fun, struggle with spontaneity, the stress of wanting things to be done just right, the fear of losing my kids and husband, the lack of trust, difficulty getting close, feeling worthless if I wasn't perfect and accepted. I started to see the situations in which these things affected my life in seemingly unnoticeable and/or seemingly harmless ways.

And of course, the times I did notice these things, I would feel extreme guilt and self hatred. I would dread becoming anything like my parents. I would fear my kids hating me. I would feel hopeless and like I could never change. This is what unresolved trauma does. It creeps in, it eats at you, it alters your perspective, it negatively drives your choices, it causes self doubt. It hurts you and those around you. I haven't personally gone to therapy yet (I want and need to) but I've been doing all I can to “self-therapy” in the meantime and it's not easy. It takes a lot of hard honesty with yourself and owning your mistakes and your bad habits. It takes admitting the ways I have and do let my kids down. It takes accepting that one day my kids will likely resent me for something because I'm not perfect but that's okay. It takes reminding myself every single day that I am human and that some days I am healing and other days I am hurting.

As far as solutions? Well.. that's tricky. For one, I am NOT a therapist or an expert and I don't know your life story. But for me, the first obvious step to resolving these “bad mom” habits was honestly just realizing it all. Just becoming aware of my trauma was already a big help in realizing that I'm not a piece of shit, I'm just a work in progress. The second thing that has helped is dissecting each of my trauma responses and seeing where they show up negatively in my life.

For example, the controlling issue: I noticed I was overly controlling of what my kids ate and always annoyed with them asking for snacks and overly concerned about them being healthy. Sure, some level of responsibility for your kids nutrition is necessary but for me, I was going overboard. I was instilling in them a weird relationship with food and causing my 7yr old to be stressing about her sugar intake. 😥 So I've been actively working on that even with myself and it's gotten so much better!

I started to do this with the other trauma issues and thinking of small and simple ways to address them and replace them with better habits. Rather than putting unrealistic expectations of myself to just change everything overnight, I just try to take a moment before I respond to a situation and choose the reaction that's rooted in healing and love rather than rooted in hurt and resentment. Some are easier than others and I still fall short sometimes and get discouraged. And when that happens, I'm working on being humble enough to own it and apologize to my family. I constantly remind myself that MY TRAUMA DOES NOT DEFINE ME. I have seen my best self show up even as a child and she has used the trauma to be stronger. Yes my trauma is a part of me but I get to choose who I show up as and what type of mom I am every single day.

And guess what? You get to decide how to show up and who to be as well. Your trauma isn't an excuse to act badly but it is a valid reason to struggle, so before you accuse yourself of being a shitty parent, consider what trauma and hurt you’re carrying first and how that may be affecting your life. Maybe it's time to consider therapy. Maybe it's time to open up to someone. Maybe it's time to open a book or start journaling and self-healing. No matter where you are on that journey, just know that it gets better, it gets easier. Your health matters, YOU MATTER. And at the end of the day, your kid(s) freaking LOVE you and you are exactly the mom they need. You are enough right now but we can all be happier, healthier and better for ourselves and for those we love. I'm rooting for you. 🖤